Category Archives: Baseball Humor
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Right-hander Carlos Silva managed to cough up 10 hits and 8 earned runs in just 2-1/3 innings pitched yesterday. He also struck out none before hitting the showers, without so much as a peep to his error-free defenders. Cubs’ bullpen held the Angels to five additional runs, but blocked the extra point. Cubs scored two touchdowns in the last six innings, and came back to win 14-13.
Manager Quade said Silva “was in mid-season’s form.”
Recently, I’ve had the fortune (or misfortune) of listening to several different baseball podcasts, both archived material, and broadcasts of more recent vintage, and I must tell you…..they suck. There’s a reason people are on the radio in major markets: They’re good at talking. And there’s a reason we’re in our dining room, playing radio, for free, on the web: And it’s because we stink at it.
If you haven’t subscribed to the Outsider Baseball Bulletin, please go to the web site now. We have a good issue this week, with detailed stats and analysis of the 1933 Pittsburgh Crawfords. If you need a break from your fantasy draft or Strat stuff, check out the OBB.
The Chicago Cubs are making their annual push for the play-offs. Because this is still a relatively “new” phenomenon for many older Cubs fans, and in anticipation of what has become known locally as “antacid” season, The Illinois Department of Health Services has released an updated version of their popular “Cub Fan Survival Guide- Pennant Race 2009.” Please print and post these helpful tips in a public area, and feel free to discuss them openly with your neighbors.
In the event you accidentally stumble across television highlights (especially Game Six) from the 2003 NLCS, prompt first-aid treatment is essential. Delay greatly increases the extent of optic injury, and blindness may occur.
Do not use boric acid, eye drops, drugs, or ointments. At least not in mixed company.
DEMONIC CUB FAN POSSESSION
If you have small children, it’s not too late to save them from a lifetime of suffering. Just because they’re your children, doesn’t mean they HAVE to be Cubs fans. Have your local Catholic priest rub neatsfoot oil on the infant’s chest, spelling out the word Y-A-N-K-E-E-S F-A-N in slow movements.
WRIGLEY FIELD POISON IVY
If you know you’re allergic to Wrigley Field ivy, ask your doctor about using an over-the-counter lotion containing bentoquatum to block a reaction. You use the lotion only before possible exposure—you know, before running on the field and jumping against the outfield walls, or hiding inside the vines during batting practice.
Carefully remove or cut clothing from the affected area so contamination is not spread to other areas of the body. Streak naked across the infield and wave to the crowd.
Remember, Chicago Cubs tickets are difficult to come by down the stretch, but infants are allowed in for free. Here’s a tip: For a group of four, purchase only three tickets, then wrap the fourth person (the smallest adult), in a baby blanket- or “wubby”- and walk them through the turnstiles.
STANDING ROOM ONLY
Standing Room Only doesn’t mean your lady can’t watch the game in style. Clasp hands with your buddy, lean over and let Ms. Cub Fan “sit” in the SRO section. She’ll be the envy of all the other ladies, and you’ll be a hero.
No money for souvenirs? In these tough economic times, this is nothing to be ashamed of- and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to go home empty-handed. Notify the nearest Andy Frain usher that your wife has become “stuck” to her seat. Unbolt the chair with a socket wrench, and have the usher help you carry her out to your vehicle. The official Wrigley Field box seat (section 434-A, seat 17) will look awesome in your sports-themed basement, all free of charge.
BLEEDING NIPPLES- MALE
Uh, not sure about this one, but we’ll assume they’re bleeding Cubbie Blue. Cover the nipple with a clean cloth or bandage. Shave mustache.
FOUL BALL INTERFERENCE PREVENTION SPLINT
If you happen to be seated in the front row, say, down the left field line, we recommend fastening splints on both hands. This will deter you from attempting to catch any foul balls headed in your direction, and although there is a serious risk of injury, you might be saved a lifetime of infamy.
ALFONSO SORIANO-INDUCED CARDIAC ARREST
There’s a reason the Yankees got rid of this guy years ago, and Cubs fans have had a couple seasons to see his craftsmanship up close and personal. The strikeouts, the bunny-hop fly-ball catching technique, the pulled hamstrings, the aversion to base on balls, the penchant for turning doubles into singles, the apparent distaste for actually running the bases AFTER settling for one-base hits (picked-off 48 times in his career). After high-fat diets and cigarette smoking, Alfonso Soriano is the third leading cause of cardiac arrest in Cubs fans.
FAKING AN ALFONSO SORIANO-INDUCED CARDIAC ARREST
Younger fans have taken to “faking” an Alfonso Soriano-induced cardiac arrest and as a result have gotten caught up in some pretty hot make-out sessions with gullible bleacher chicks.
This is when another first-round play-off sweep obstructs one’s airway. Has become commonplace, and only time will heal this affliction.
WHEN THE SEASON IS FINALLY OVER
You’ve taken your wife and two kids to 36 home games, paid for tickets, parking, and $1400 in scorecards, bobble-head dolls, plastic batting helmets, foam rubber-things, Vineline Magazine, and facsimile autographed baseballs. You’ve watched all the road games on WGN, followed the Cub-related gossip and conversation on the internet blogs, listened to the Score Sports Radio, invested your time, money and soul into this ballclub… only to have your heart ripped out by disappointment at the end. Again. There is only one responsible thing to do.
1. Have wife locate her dusty, old strap-on dildo (from her sorority days).
2. Drop your trousers half-way
3. Bend over slightly
4. Take it like a man
After 100 years of this, you get used to it.
Blogger Wezen-Ball dug up a goodie, predictions about baseball in the year 2000, courtesy of The Sporting News, circa 1981. There’s a ton of funny stuff in there, but most poignant is the inability to grasp how big the baseball economy would become, especially in regards to player salaries and ticket prices.
This inspired to me to pull out an old story from 1926 that I’ve been sitting on for awhile. No, it hasn’t been tucked away in my files, I’ve literally been sitting on it. We recently had our furniture reupholstered with antique sports clippings.
In a wire story printed in the Chicago Tribune, April of 1926, New York Giants skipper John McGraw took a swing at the prognostication business. Of particular interest to McGraw was the strength of baseball in New York and Gotham’s importance to the rest of the league.
“When interest languishes here, it soon falls off all over the country.”
“In the light of my experience in baseball, I can see only bigger and better things, with new and greater stadia all over the major circuits.” (McGraw said he believed every stadium would eventually seat 100,000 patrons.)
Cut him some slack, TV wasn’t even on the radar yet. (Wait a minute, radar wasn’t really on the radar yet). If his point was baseball was going to become big, big business, that’s a line drive up the middle.
“Some idea of the growth of the game may be found in the fact that in 1890, I could have bought the Pittsbugh Nationals for $35,000. You could not buy the club for any amount now.”
Actually, I believe you could get the pirates for $35,000 again, but there aren’t any takers.
“When I broke into New York twenty-five years ago as manager of the Giants, major league baseball was a losing venture. The clubs at the top usually made a little money, but at least five others always lost. Now it’s a rare thing for a club to finish with a deficit.”
It was nice to see the modern ballclubs return to the grand old tradition of crying poor a few years back.
“Twenty years ago you would have been lucky to draw 300 or 400 at an exhibition game in the south. Now at least four or five thousand fans turn out.”
As a matter of fact, we’ve got a couple permanent teams located in the south now who regularly draw four or five thousand per game.
“Behind all this success you will find New York. We took the lead in raising the standard of the personnel. We also showed the way in providing better accommodations for the spectators, putting up the first steel and concrete stadium in the game.”
Wait a minute, didn’t Pittsburgh put up the first steel and concrete stadium?
And as for McGraw’s predictions regarding the upcoming 1926 season?
“I am more than eager this year to win the National league pennant. On paper we look like the best team. In the American league, I expect the Senators to come through again. I have high regard for Mack’s Athletics, but they do not impress me as being well balanced or as smart a team as the Senators.”
We know now that pennants aren’t won on paper. McGraw’s Giants stumbled through a disappointing 74-77 campaign. The Athletics were smarter than the Senators by two games, and the Cardinals beat the Yankees in the World Series.
Not bad, Mac.
CHICAGO- In a deal rumored to have been in the works for several months, Scott Simkus has officially signed the Society of American Baseball Research (SABR) to a one year contract. Although the particulars have been kept private, sources close to both parties say the deal includes a one-year, $65 base compensation package, peppered with incentives, including discounted membership to newspaperarchive.com, geneologybank.com, as well as several other unspecified options.
In a statement released by his representatives, Scott Simkus said “I’m happy to have finally landed a deal with SABR. I’ve admired their work from afar for many years, and to finally consummate this relationship is a dream come true.”
There had been several unsubstantiated stories prior to the signing, claiming Simkus was reluctant to work with SABR, having confessed that “he didn’t want to belong to any club that was willing to have him as a member,” but things took a dramatic change in recent weeks. According to one anonymous source, dead sports writer Ring Lardner facilitated a clandestine meeting between Simkus and the popular baseball organization, where several key sticking points were discussed and the two groups finally agreed in principle to the historic 12-month deal.
Lardner, reached via a medium, would only say “Simkus is stubborn SOB” and “He should have signed on with SABR a long time ago.”
John Zajc, the Executive Director of SABR, was unavailable for comment at press time.