The Chicago Cubs are making their annual push for the play-offs. Because this is still a relatively “new” phenomenon for many older Cubs fans, and in anticipation of what has become known locally as “antacid” season, The Illinois Department of Health Services has released an updated version of their popular “Cub Fan Survival Guide- Pennant Race 2009.” Please print and post these helpful tips in a public area, and feel free to discuss them openly with your neighbors.
In the event you accidentally stumble across television highlights (especially Game Six) from the 2003 NLCS, prompt first-aid treatment is essential. Delay greatly increases the extent of optic injury, and blindness may occur.
Do not use boric acid, eye drops, drugs, or ointments. At least not in mixed company.
DEMONIC CUB FAN POSSESSION
If you have small children, it’s not too late to save them from a lifetime of suffering. Just because they’re your children, doesn’t mean they HAVE to be Cubs fans. Have your local Catholic priest rub neatsfoot oil on the infant’s chest, spelling out the word Y-A-N-K-E-E-S F-A-N in slow movements.
WRIGLEY FIELD POISON IVY
If you know you’re allergic to Wrigley Field ivy, ask your doctor about using an over-the-counter lotion containing bentoquatum to block a reaction. You use the lotion only before possible exposure—you know, before running on the field and jumping against the outfield walls, or hiding inside the vines during batting practice.
Carefully remove or cut clothing from the affected area so contamination is not spread to other areas of the body. Streak naked across the infield and wave to the crowd.
Remember, Chicago Cubs tickets are difficult to come by down the stretch, but infants are allowed in for free. Here’s a tip: For a group of four, purchase only three tickets, then wrap the fourth person (the smallest adult), in a baby blanket- or “wubby”- and walk them through the turnstiles.
STANDING ROOM ONLY
Standing Room Only doesn’t mean your lady can’t watch the game in style. Clasp hands with your buddy, lean over and let Ms. Cub Fan “sit” in the SRO section. She’ll be the envy of all the other ladies, and you’ll be a hero.
No money for souvenirs? In these tough economic times, this is nothing to be ashamed of- and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to go home empty-handed. Notify the nearest Andy Frain usher that your wife has become “stuck” to her seat. Unbolt the chair with a socket wrench, and have the usher help you carry her out to your vehicle. The official Wrigley Field box seat (section 434-A, seat 17) will look awesome in your sports-themed basement, all free of charge.
BLEEDING NIPPLES- MALE
Uh, not sure about this one, but we’ll assume they’re bleeding Cubbie Blue. Cover the nipple with a clean cloth or bandage. Shave mustache.
FOUL BALL INTERFERENCE PREVENTION SPLINT
If you happen to be seated in the front row, say, down the left field line, we recommend fastening splints on both hands. This will deter you from attempting to catch any foul balls headed in your direction, and although there is a serious risk of injury, you might be saved a lifetime of infamy.
ALFONSO SORIANO-INDUCED CARDIAC ARREST
There’s a reason the Yankees got rid of this guy years ago, and Cubs fans have had a couple seasons to see his craftsmanship up close and personal. The strikeouts, the bunny-hop fly-ball catching technique, the pulled hamstrings, the aversion to base on balls, the penchant for turning doubles into singles, the apparent distaste for actually running the bases AFTER settling for one-base hits (picked-off 48 times in his career). After high-fat diets and cigarette smoking, Alfonso Soriano is the third leading cause of cardiac arrest in Cubs fans.
FAKING AN ALFONSO SORIANO-INDUCED CARDIAC ARREST
Younger fans have taken to “faking” an Alfonso Soriano-induced cardiac arrest and as a result have gotten caught up in some pretty hot make-out sessions with gullible bleacher chicks.
This is when another first-round play-off sweep obstructs one’s airway. Has become commonplace, and only time will heal this affliction.
WHEN THE SEASON IS FINALLY OVER
You’ve taken your wife and two kids to 36 home games, paid for tickets, parking, and $1400 in scorecards, bobble-head dolls, plastic batting helmets, foam rubber-things, Vineline Magazine, and facsimile autographed baseballs. You’ve watched all the road games on WGN, followed the Cub-related gossip and conversation on the internet blogs, listened to the Score Sports Radio, invested your time, money and soul into this ballclub… only to have your heart ripped out by disappointment at the end. Again. There is only one responsible thing to do.
1. Have wife locate her dusty, old strap-on dildo (from her sorority days).
2. Drop your trousers half-way
3. Bend over slightly
4. Take it like a man
After 100 years of this, you get used to it.