Baseball Podcasts and other stuff

Recently, I’ve had the fortune (or misfortune) of listening to several different baseball podcasts, both archived material, and broadcasts of more recent vintage, and I must tell you…..they suck.  There’s a reason people are on the radio in major markets: They’re good at talking.  And there’s a reason we’re in our dining room, playing radio, for free, on the web: And it’s because we stink at it.

If you haven’t subscribed to the Outsider Baseball Bulletin, please go to the web site now.  We have a good issue this week, with detailed stats and analysis of the 1933 Pittsburgh Crawfords.  If you need a break from your fantasy draft or Strat stuff, check out the OBB.

Early Cubs Prediction?

Okay, I’ll give it a shot.  I got ‘em finishing 80-82 .493 in 2011.  And that’s probably being optimistic.

Could they do better?  Well, yeah.  If Carlos Zambrano keeps his head screwed on straight and finally puts together the career year we’ve all been waiting for, things could be different.  Garza is a nice pick-up, but we’ll need a few years to see if the price was too high.  And Carlos Marmol, with his wiffle ball slider, is a major plus out of the pen. 

Could they be worse than anticipated?  Of course.  Does an aging Aramis Ramirez stumble early and often again?  Will Kerry Wood throw strikes in the set-up role?  And the big question: Will new acquisition Carlos Pena flourish, or continue his downward slide of the last four seasons.

Pena is going to be 33 years old this year.  His batting average dropped to .196 last season, after reaching .282 just four years ago.  His on-base pct. has slid each of the last four years as well, going .411, .377, .356, .325.

New acquisitions not named Milton Bradley tend to get a bump in production after moving to Wrigley.  Think Andre Dawson and Derrick Lee.  Heck, think about Dave Kingman, back in 1979.  Maybe Pena will catch the magic, maybe not.  The guy does have power.

But if I’m a betting man, I don’t like Pena’s chances.  Perhaps he’ll make me eat my words.

Will entertain Cubs offer

SITUATION WANTED: I’m throwing my hat into the ring for the Chicago Cubs’ opening.  Most of my experience centers around Little League and slow-pitch men’s softball teams, but rest assured, my track record is impressive.  No need to waste time with the interview process, just forward your best offer and let’s get the negotiations going.

Chicago Cubs Survival Guide

The Chicago Cubs are making their annual push for the play-offs. Because this is still a relatively “new” phenomenon for many older Cubs fans, and in anticipation of what has become known locally as “antacid” season, The Illinois Department of Health Services has released an updated version of their popular “Cub Fan Survival Guide- Pennant Race 2009.” Please print and post these helpful tips in a public area, and feel free to discuss them openly with your neighbors.

 

 

EYE CONTAMINATION

In the event you accidentally stumble across television highlights (especially Game Six) from the 2003 NLCS, prompt first-aid treatment is essential. Delay greatly increases the extent of optic injury, and blindness may occur.

Do not use boric acid, eye drops, drugs, or ointments. At least not in mixed company.

DEMONIC CUB FAN POSSESSION

If you have small children, it’s not too late to save them from a lifetime of suffering. Just because they’re your children, doesn’t mean they HAVE to be Cubs fans. Have your local Catholic priest rub neatsfoot oil on the infant’s chest, spelling out the word Y-A-N-K-E-E-S F-A-N in slow movements.

WRIGLEY FIELD POISON IVY

If you know you’re allergic to Wrigley Field ivy, ask your doctor about using an over-the-counter lotion containing bentoquatum to block a reaction. You use the lotion only before possible exposure—you know, before running on the field and jumping against the outfield walls, or hiding inside the vines during batting practice.

Carefully remove or cut clothing from the affected area so contamination is not spread to other areas of the body. Streak naked across the infield and wave to the crowd.

FREE TICKET

Remember, Chicago Cubs tickets are difficult to come by down the stretch, but infants are allowed in for free. Here’s a tip: For a group of four, purchase only three tickets, then wrap the fourth person (the smallest adult), in a baby blanket- or “wubby”- and walk them through the turnstiles.

STANDING ROOM ONLY

Standing Room Only doesn’t mean your lady can’t watch the game in style. Clasp hands with your buddy, lean over and let Ms. Cub Fan “sit” in the SRO section. She’ll be the envy of all the other ladies, and you’ll be a hero.

FREE SOUVENIRS

No money for souvenirs? In these tough economic times, this is nothing to be ashamed of- and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to go home empty-handed. Notify the nearest Andy Frain usher that your wife has become “stuck” to her seat. Unbolt the chair with a socket wrench, and have the usher help you carry her out to your vehicle. The official Wrigley Field box seat (section 434-A, seat 17) will look awesome in your sports-themed basement, all free of charge.

BLEEDING NIPPLES- MALE

Uh, not sure about this one, but we’ll assume they’re bleeding Cubbie Blue. Cover the nipple with a clean cloth or bandage. Shave mustache.

FOUL BALL INTERFERENCE PREVENTION SPLINT

If you happen to be seated in the front row, say, down the left field line, we recommend fastening splints on both hands. This will deter you from attempting to catch any foul balls headed in your direction, and although there is a serious risk of injury, you might be saved a lifetime of infamy.

ALFONSO SORIANO-INDUCED CARDIAC ARREST

There’s a reason the Yankees got rid of this guy years ago, and Cubs fans have had a couple seasons to see his craftsmanship up close and personal. The strikeouts, the bunny-hop fly-ball catching technique, the pulled hamstrings, the aversion to base on balls, the penchant for turning doubles into singles, the apparent distaste for actually running the bases AFTER settling for one-base hits (picked-off 48 times in his career). After high-fat diets and cigarette smoking, Alfonso Soriano is the third leading cause of cardiac arrest in Cubs fans.

FAKING AN ALFONSO SORIANO-INDUCED CARDIAC ARREST

Younger fans have taken to “faking” an Alfonso Soriano-induced cardiac arrest and as a result have gotten caught up in some pretty hot make-out sessions with gullible bleacher chicks.

CHOKING

This is when another first-round play-off sweep obstructs one’s airway. Has become commonplace, and only time will heal this affliction.

WHEN THE SEASON IS FINALLY OVER

You’ve taken your wife and two kids to 36 home games, paid for tickets, parking, and $1400 in scorecards, bobble-head dolls, plastic batting helmets, foam rubber-things, Vineline Magazine, and facsimile autographed baseballs. You’ve watched all the road games on WGN, followed the Cub-related gossip and conversation on the internet blogs, listened to the Score Sports Radio, invested your time, money and soul into this ballclub… only to have your heart ripped out by disappointment at the end. Again. There is only one responsible thing to do.

1. Have wife locate her dusty, old strap-on dildo (from her sorority days).
2. Drop your trousers half-way
3. Bend over slightly
4. Take it like a man

After 100 years of this, you get used to it.

Kid K: 1998 to 2008

 

Eulogy time. 

 

I don’t usually write about modern baseball, because I’ve sort of lost contact with it over the past few years, having found more interesting things to occupy my time.  But I’ve got this ridiculous urge to break with form and briefly chime in on the apparent end of Kid K’s pitching career here in Chicago.

 

Stumbled across a newspaper story this morning (remember those things?), and discovered the Kerry Wood era in Wrigley Field has finally come to an end.  Apparently the brass at Clark and Addison has signed Kevin Gregg, a man with two first names, to handle the closing chores.

 

I’m writing this more for those of you who aren’t from Chicago, to give you a sense of Wood’s place in the hearts of Cub fandom.  It wouldn’t be an understatement to say he is one of the most beloved Cubbies in history, especially with those for whom history began in 1998.

 

If you poled the bleacherites (and trust me, there’s a few of ‘em I’d like to pole out there), Woody would be counted among the Ernie Banks and Billy Williams and Ryne Sandberg’s of the world.  Seriously: He’d be in the starting line-up of many Cubs’ fans all-time teams.

 

He was a very likable guy, loyal, good in the community.  And he used to have a 99-mile-an-hour fastball.  Listen, I’m among the top 15 cynics of all-time, and even I’ve got a soft spot for the man.

 

He wouldn’t be anywhere near my all-time teams, of course; unless it’s the all-time roster of “what could have beens.”  And even that’s a stretch, because he really, honestly, never could have been anything other than what he was.

 

Quick rundown of the numbers: Wood was 77-61 in his career with a 3.65 ERA.  The team made the play-offs four times during his 10 active years.  He struck out 20 guys in one game once, and hit 99-mph on the gun during the early part of his career.  When he was healthy, he was wicked tough.  His fastball had become a surrogate penis for many.

 

The problem is he had a bum flipper.  He had arm trouble in high school, arm trouble in the minor leagues- then spent eleven years struggling with a sore elbow and creaky shoulder and an ouchy back.  He had, like, 56 surgeries along the way, pitching a little bit in between.  He often struggled with his control. The fact he lasted so long; lasted long enough to earn enough money so that his kids and grandkids may never have to work, is as much a testament to his character as it is modern medicine.

 

This is really the essence of his appeal.  Aside from the John Holmes fastball and Chip Hilton personality, he was flawed, like you and I.  Whether or not it was true, he became the paragon of untapped greatness.  The promise of what still could be.  He was hope, dressed up in baseball pants.

 

When Cubs fans pulled for him, prayed for him to stay healthy, wished that he might one day return to his form of early ’98 and finally put it all together for one triumphant Cy Young season, they were really rooting for themselves.

 

Who among us doesn’t secretly believe there’s a greater version of ourselves locked up inside?  If we could only stay healthy, quit smoking, lose weight, work harder, get a break in our careers, be given an opportunity to shine.  Who among us isn’t secretly, irrationally hoping to “put it all together” one day and triumph over fate?